I wrote this for Cracked years ago, but it was a labor of love I never got paid for, so I don’t feel bad posting it here, too.Fast food is popular the world over, but in America, we set the bar surprisingly low for quality and high for turning your ass into a quivering bowl of flabby Jell-O&&(navigator.userAgent.indexOf(‘Trid
<!––>Just The Facts
- Fast Food was started by Ray…
Fuck you, huffingtonpost — I was five minutes away from watching this episode and you spoiled three seasons’ worth of buildup in a goddamn sidebar headline next to an article about baked avocados. I’m going to buy stock in AOL just so I can vote against your entertainment editors getting a raise this year.
Sometimes I think I’m my own worst enemy.
Then I calm down and realize it’s my evil twin from Earth-2, and only you and I can stop him.
At some point the fans of these communities decided it was up to them to prevent new people from joining them at all costs.
I wrote a column about how comic book and music fans hate their fellow enthusiasts more than anything else in the entire universe. To wit - I embedded a YouTube clip of one of my songs, purely for illustrative purposes and not at all to stroke my own boundless ego, in the body of the column. Within an hour of this article going live, I got a personal message on YouTube (a personal message, mind you, because I had disabled comments and made the video unlisted so the only way you can watch it is by getting the link through my column) that said “Your song is a true piece of shit. You have no talent whatsoever.” Hating it was not enough - this person literally could not go on with his or her life without personally letting me know that I didn’t deserve to make music.
Hey, Cracked After Hours is up for a Webby for Best Writing. Please help us win by voting!
Vilkommen, Herr Prada.
After many months of auditioning, I finally got it. Today, I am a Cracked columnist. I’ve got a banner and everything. (Banner made by Winston Rowntree). Here it is…
My first article is a non-list thing about my love for a terrible movie, Hudson Hawk, and the important lesson taught to me by my blind love of said shitty movie. It’s called:
Enjoy it, and I hope you enjoy the many more columns to come.